Far, far away, in the land of Paozu, an epic adventure that will shake the very corners of the universe is about to begin... and in a most humble way.
Meet Son Goku.
(He's gonna show you.)
Son Goku is a monkey boy who lives alone in the mountains, where he'd been found and raised by his late grandfather, Son Gohan. Despite being alone, Goku is rarely ever bored. He fills his days with a variety of hobbies that interest such energetic young lads, like;
Kicking apart wood.
Taunting starving animals.
Worshipping an orange orb.
And of course, nude fishing.
But Paozu is a land full of strange and terrible wildlife! For example, in Paozu, fish fishes you!
Like this Yakov Fishoff, who attacks our young hero's tail!
It doesn't work out.
Elsewhere, we meet our other hero, the young inventor Bulma. The daughter in a long line of scientists named after undergarments, Bulma has come to this faraway land in search of the magic wish granting Dragon Balls. Little does she know, that fate has set her on a collision course with Son Goku.
Literally.
Furious at being smacked, Goku lifts up Bulma car, thinking it's a monster, and throws it.
So Bulma shoots him in the face.
(Fucking brutal.)
For those keeping track at home, that's twice Goku should have died horribly.
"The fuck."
Goku thinks Bulma is some kind of witch or goblin, so Bulma leaps out of the wreckage of her car to show him she's just a human, like him. But Son Goku is suspicious.
"You don't seem like me, you're soft and weak looking..."
"I'm a woman, you weird sexist troll."
Bulma turns out to be the first girl Goku has ever met in his life; Indeed, the second ever person he's ever met, after his grandpa.
(Third person, if you count screaming at Broly as an infant as "meeting" him.)
But his grandpa always told Son Goku to be nice to girls, so he takes Bulma back to his place to feed her some of his fish and show her his ball.
(It's not as bad as it sounds.)
As it turns out, Goku's orange ball that he inherited from his grandpa is one of the legendary Dragon Balls that Bulma is looking for! She shows him the two she's already collected, before telling him the story about Shen Long, the Dragon God, who is summoned when all seven are brought together... to grant the collector a single wish.
(I'm sure there's no weird or seemingly arbitrary restrictions on top of that.)
So in order for Bulma to get her wish, she'll need to get Goku's heirloom. However, the little monkey boy seems reluctant to give it up.
"Ooooh, I know what you want."
"Go on, give it a feel."
"I don't want to touch your dirty butt."
(Goku is a champion at negging.)
Seeing through Goku's innocence, she offers a compromise - He can come along with her as she hunts down the remaining balls, which will give him great training, and she'll just borrow his four-star-ball at the end.
But she leaves out that the wish will cause his Dragon Ball to fly off across the world.
(Manipulating Son Goku will be a reoccurring theme in this show.)
So off our duo goes, toward adventure! (A mystical adventure, even!) ... for all of twenty minutes, then Bulma has to pull her bike over to pee.
But her pee attracts a most dangerous Paozu predator...
... the Pee-rodactyl.
In order to save Bulma from the Pee-rodactyl, Goku has to get some sweet air on her bike.
Leaping high, high into the air...
... where he can use his magical staff, the Nyoibo...
... to swiftly snap the neck of the Pee-rodactyl.
(Killing him forever.)
Then Bulma wets herself.
And that's how this dumb show ends.
This beautifully odd, perfectly dumb show I wouldn't trade for anything.
Happy birthday, DBlog. Thanks for being here for me. I'm sorry I forget to update you for months at a time, sometimes. I guess I'm a little too much like Son Goku, in that regard.
SEVERAL YEARS LATER
"Hey Bulma, remember that time you shot me in the head and then peed yourself?"
"... there was a lot more to it than that."
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