Dragon Ball: Fight Son Goku, Win Son Goku

Called "Deuraegon Bor Ssawora Son o gong, Igyeora Son o gong" in its native South Korea, this is the infamous and rarely distributed unofficial 1990 Korean Dragon Ball movie. It's based fairly faithfully off the first story arc of the manga (The Pilaf Saga, in the anime). And as it is rare and mysterious, you can naturally watch the entire thing on YouTube. As far as I can tell, it has never been fansubbed into English, and I certainly don't speak Korean. So, when needed, I'll provide adequate dialogue.

Meet Goku.

He likes to stick raisins in his nose.

Our story opens the same as the Dragon Ball manga and anime, with Goku riding on a log and subsequently punching it into pieces for firewood. He leaves his little shack house to find fish, after having a short conversation with his grandpa - which is really Son Gohan's 4-Star Ball. After catching a fish by bellowing a Kiai at a lake, Son Goku meets the first vehicle in his life.

But Bulma doesn't like the cut of his jib.

So she shoots him in the face.

(Seemingly, 100% unprovoked. Finally, a movie with Canon Bulma!)

It comes to pass that Bulma is really a girl, Goku is a boy with a tail, and Grandpa said to be nice to girls. So Goku takes Bulma back to his pad to feed her. Once there, Bulma discovers Goku has a Dragon Ball!

 "Gimme your ball."

 "No."

After receiving a spanking from Goku, Bulma explains how when all 7 Dragon Balls are collected, a crudely rendered rotoscope dragon will appear and do something vague.

So they go on an adventure!

Bulma introduces Goku to Hoi Poi Capsules (i.e. black magick), and from it a motorcycle appears. They ride that for awhile, until our first Animal Villain Replaced By a Guy In a Robot Costume (AVRBGIRC) arrives.

 "Rawr! I'm a pterodactyl!"

"No you aren't!"

Elsewhere,

"I'M NUTS ABOUT THIS BALL."

Pilaf, Shuu, and Vegeta hang out and play with balls.

Back at our heroes, Bulma uncorks a Capsule House and once inside, she forces Goku to take a bath. But he has his mind on other things.

Then there's a scene where Bulma swallows a lemon whole while chucking fruit at Goku. I'm not really sure what to make of it but it made me laugh way harder than it should have.

The pat pat scene is left in the film, though Goku has poor depth perception.

The next morning, Goku and Bulma meet Umigame, who is played by a man in a rubber sea turtle costume. 70% of the film's budget went into making his eyes move. Goku decides to take Umigame back to sea, and Bulma reluctantly comes with. Things go pretty well, until they run into the next AVRBGIRC.

From the production team that couldn't afford to bring you Bear With Sword...

Introducing Guy With Sword

"Hai."

"Fuck off."

At last, Umigame returns to the ocean.

Introducing Kame Sen'nin.

He just wants a kiss.

Kame Sen'nin gives Goku the Kinto Un in exchange for saving Umigame, and offers Bulma a prize of his own Dragon Ball if she agrees to give him a kiss. That's right. No pafu pafu, no vag flashing, no stripping, no groping, hardly any physical contact at all. Just a kiss.

"What a pussy."

Having acquired Kame Sen'nin's Dragon Ball, Bulma and Goku leave for Aru Village,

where Goku gets an axe to the head.

Oolong has been terrorizing the village by stealing their food and daughters. So in order to win their Dragon Ball, our heroes agree to drive off Oolong. Bulma dresses up Goku to look like the Sherman Priest's daughter, leaving him for bate. Oolong arrives as a handsome man in a suit, clutching flowers and excited to see Drag Goku... until Goku has to take a leak.

"She has the thing that I hate most!"

So Goku and Oolong get into a fight, at which point Oolong transforms into his mecha form.

Unlike the original story, Oolong actually has weapons in this form. He fires rockets at our hero, who easily dodges them, then subdues Oolong with his rubber Nyoibo.

The true Oolong is revealed to be a guy in a Halloween mask.

With their third member and fifth Dragon Ball, our heroes journey over a river toward their next destination - Mt. Frypan.

But they're being stalked by Pilaf's crony, Mai! And she shapeshifts (shapeshifting Mai is, evidently, not an invention of Dragon Ball Evolution) into a large centipede monster... so Goku beats her up while Oolong tries to escape. It occurs to Bulma that Oolong is an unreliable coward, so she gives him a piece of PP Candy. (You'll remember that as the candy that makes Oolong get explosive diarrhea whenever someone says "Peepee".)

Stay classy, Dragon World.

Having spotted our heroes from their desert base, Yamcha and Puar race out to steal their money and Hoi Poi Capsules.

 "You look like a bitch."

What proceeds is the most embarrassing fight scene of Yamcha's career. A series of entirely ridiculous Rogafufukens (you never want to see a grown man actually do this, trust me), Yamcha's shame is finally brought to its height when he meets Bulma.

(Yamcha's fantasy sequence predicts in 1990 how things would end.)

His fear of women revealed, Yamcha and Puar make a strategic retreat. They later return only to spy on our heroes, hoping to get their revenge on Son Goku.

 Yamcha learns of the Dragon Balls.

Then he sees full-frontal Bulma.

The next day, Yamcha and Puar, in the process of following our heroes toward Mt. Frypan, come upon young Chichi being chased by a member of the AVRBGIRC union.

"I'm a T-Rex!"

 "No you aren't!"

Meanwhile, our heroes have met Gyumao. After a drawn out, bizarre fight scene - in which Goku flies around on a giant cotton lump barely passing for Kinto Un, Bulma punches Gyumao in the head, and Oolong is buried alive by Gyumao - Gyumao requests Goku find Chichi and then Kame Sen'nin.

Ride that cotton lump, buddy.

Umigame bites Kame Sen'nin dick for some reason.

He agrees to come help Gyumao, but only if he gets another kiss.

 Kame Sen'nin's Kamehameha

Which blows up Gyumao's castle. For some reason. I mean, his castle wasn't on fire before it was shot with the Kamehameha. So why did he have him shoot it? 

Maybe it's best not to think about this movie too hard.

Oh, and Goku learns it too.

Goku, Bulma, and Oolong travel to where Pilaf's base is located, hoping to gain the last Dragon Ball. Much like the manga and anime, Yamcha is closely following them as they enter into Pilaf Castle's underground tunnels. (Though Puar is gone for the rest of the movie. Presumably, he had more important things to do.) But deep inside the Pilaf tunnels, our heroes run into some trouble...

The Arrival of Raditz.

Goku fights the mustacheo'd Saiyan, and Yamcha aids him by fighting off the Saiyan's ninja warriors. The fight goes on until Goku's rubber Nyoibo claims another victim... at which point, Pilaf uses some kind of magic to transport our heroes back outside... in another vaguely rocky area.

 "Oh, look at this vague area."
(Was this movie shot in the directors' backyard?)

"I'm a robot."

Now our heroes must face against a robo villain! Having sat back while Goku and Yamcha did all the fighting in the tunnels, Oolong steps up to the plate this time! Go for it, Oolong!

Then it's Goku's turn.

 "Nyoibo Sparkle Attack!"

With Oolong and Goku defeated, Bulma tries to do a Rogafufuken of her own, but Yamcha stops her. He has his own plan to defeat this robo! He whistles for his car.

Who needs a Hoi Poi Capsule when your car flies?

Yamcha flies at the robo riding his car, firing missiles from it and shooting energy attacks from his sword. (I think all the logic in this movie died after Kame Sen'nin blew up Gyumao's house for no reason.) 

But the robot still lives! Bulma, reapplying her makeup, is shocked by its reappearance and chucks her mirror at the robo. The robo explodes spectacularly. Bulma: 1, Robots: 0

The crew reenters the Pilaf tunnels, where Pilaf springs a trap on them. Like in episode 10, our hapless heroes get caged in a room. Pilaf knocks them our with gas, then he, Shuu, and Mai come in to recover their balls.

Pilaf forgets to wear a gas mask and gets knocked out.

 With all seven Dragon Balls gathered, Pilaf summons Shen Long.

 Enter Shen Long; Rotoscoping at its finest.

But before Pilaf can make his wish, Oolong wishes for girls' underpants.

Furious, Pilaf goes Darth Sidious on his ass.

And so, the final battle begins.

Goku fights Mai, whom he blows to pieces with a one-handed Kamehameha.

Oolong fights Shuu, and the two trade punches and headbutts until Oolong loses. Then Yamcha throws a flagpole through Shuu's chest, causing him to explode into pieces. No really. He just blows up from being impaled.

But not even Goku is a match for Pilaf.

Goku, Oolong, Yamcha, they're all tossed aside by the fury of Pilaf.

All hope seems lost. 

Until...

 Umigame arrives and beats the snot out of Pilaf.

 And then Goku and Oolong launch double a Kamehameha at Pilaf,

 Exploding him forever.

And that's the end of the movie.

I feel like I'm drunk after watching that.

I'm going to go lay down.

Perhaps rewatch The Magic Begins to regain my sanity.